Key Pastoral Counseling Tools

Introduction

Tonight we want to discuss three important tools that will help you in your pastoral counseling: listening skills, understanding when to confer or when to keep information confidential, and a  communication tool to guide us in helping others to change.

REMEMBER: by “counseling” we include the type of discussions that often, maybe usually, occur in our one-on-one times with people we are shepherding or discipling.

The Role of Listening

The Bible emphasizes the importance of being a good listener.  When God tells us that we should be "quick to listen, (and) slow to speak" (James 1:19), he is alerting us to our natural aversion to listening and urging us to bring this area of our lives under his control.

Effective listening is especially important in pastoral counseling.  When people come to us with spiritual and relational problems, we may know the answers to their problems.  But unless we have learned the art of listening, they will probably not profit from the answers we give them.  There are several reasons for this.

Why listening is important

Listening is a basic expression of love.  There are many ways to show love, but one of the most basic expressions of love is to take the other person seriously enough to hear what she has to say.  By listening, we are affirming and expressing what God says about her--that she is significant.  Listening therefore is part of "speaking the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15). 

There are times when we do not know the answers to the problem, but we can still minister to the person if we listen carefully and lovingly.  This is why Job tells his friends, "Listen carefully to my words; let this be the consolation that you give to me" (Job 21:1). 

Listening is a prerequisite to discernment.  Proverbs 18:13 says, "He who answers before listening--that is his folly and his shame."  It is arrogant to begin to answer someone before we truly understand what he needs.  If we have humility, we will realize that many times we are wrong in our initial assessment of another person's needs.  Before we can properly apply God's Word, we need to understand the other person's situation, what and why he feels the way he does, and what the root issues are.  The only way we can discover these things is to carefully and prayerfully listen.  Important to the sanguine and the self-confident who believe they have the answer without truly understanding the issues.

Listening promotes receptivity to your counsel.  Though it may be assumed that you have credibility because the person is coming to you for counsel, your credibility will be hampered if you are a poor listener.  Most people seeking counsel are confused by their problems, or they wouldn't be seeking help.  They can't imagine that anyone could accurately discern the problem and the solution as quickly as you may have done.  Until this confidence is gained, the counselee will be reluctant to follow your counsel no matter how sound it may be.  Because of this, it is not enough that you accurately understand the issues; it is also necessary that the counselee has confidence that you understand.  This confidence is based largely on your willingness to listen and ask questions, sometimes even after you have discerned the issues. 

How to listen

Listening is not passive; it is not the same as merely not talking.  In fact, concentrated listening is more strenuous than talking because it is easy to talk about our own thoughts, but it is difficult to accurately understand another person's.  The following reminders can improve our listening skills so that we may become better servants.

Be spiritually prepared.  As Christians, we believe that all spiritual and relational healing is the work of God and not something we can do by our own power.  The proof that we believe this is that we bathe our counseling sessions with prayer.  It is important to personally express your dependence to God in prayer before the counseling session.  Ask God to enable you to put aside other thoughts so that you may listen effectively.  Ask him also to grant you the ability to spiritually discern the real issues.  Learn the habit of turning to God while in the counseling session to ask for these same things.  Sometimes, more experienced Christian workers to omit this preparation because they "have had so much experience" in counseling.  This attitude is fleshly self-sufficiency and should be consciously resisted. 

Lay aside your own preconceptions.  Unless you know the other person well, it is important to lay aside your own preconceived ideas about what his needs are.  Unless you do this, you will tend to come to a premature discernment and counsel before you understand or be politely silent while you rehearse your response.  This is not listening; this is merely waiting for the chance to make the other person listen.

This is especially important when the symptoms of the problem are similar to problems you or other counselees have had.  The tendency to project previous situations on to the counselee is a danger to be resisted.  Of course, such previous experience may be useful once you establish by careful listening that the situations are truly similar.

Be non-judgmental and empathetic.  Avoid the tendency to focus only on evaluating the moral and/or theological correctness of statements the counselee makes.  As Christians, we know that truth is important.  We know that the counselee will need to bring her thinking into conformity to God's Word in order to be healed.  But our ability to apply this truth will be hindered unless we truly understand how she views this area of her life.  Be willing to temporarily suspend your immediate right to judge in the interest of better overall understanding of the person.  If you are sure about where you stand with the truth, you can afford to do this without fear that you will lose your own theological moorings. 

Give yourself as fully as possible to drawing out and understanding the counselee's situation.  Being non-judgmental and empathetic does not mean you should become relativistic theologically or morally.  It does mean that you communicate acceptance to the counselee regardless of her beliefs or behavior. 

It also means that you communicate an understanding of the legitimate parts of the counselee's problem, even if you disagree with her response to it. 

EG. "I am so discouraged that I want to get a divorce!" You could reply with a mini-lecture about the biblical view of divorce.  This statement may be biblically correct, but it may stifle effective interaction.  On the other hand, you could say something like "I can see how his lack of sensitivity could make you feel like giving up on the relationship."  This statement communicates empathy and encourages further communication without legitimizing divorce as the answer.

Pay attention to non-verbal communication and what is not said.  It is helpful to notice the non-verbal communication of the counselee.  His facial expressions, body movement, posture, and breathing rate are all important clues to what he is thinking or feeling.  The tone, volume and tempo of speech are also important in this regard.  

Encourage self-disclosure.  Being a good listener involves helping the counselee to disclose to you all that is relevant to her problem.  There are a number of practical ways to do this.

Give appropriate verbal encouragement.  An occasional "uh-huh," as well as questions like "Can you tell me more about that?" communicate interest which encourages self-disclosure.

Check for understanding.  Effective listening involves ascertaining that you have properly interpreted the counselee's statements so that you form an accurate picture of the situation.  One of the most effective ways to do this is to paraphrase important parts of the counselee's communication.  By putting what he just said into your own words and re-stating it, you are letting him know you are listening, and you insure a proper interpretation.

If the counselee is merely reporting what happened, you may need to ask how he interpreted the event, how he feels about it, and what he intends to do about it.  For example, if the counselee says, "We had an argument," you may want to inquire how he felt about the argument in order to understand its actual effect on the situation.  Be careful to ask open-ended, non-threatening questions rather than "yes or no" questions.

Take written or mental notes.  In the course of the session, the counselee may make a statement about something that is very important to address.  Perhaps she reveals animosity toward her parents, or shows an unbiblical attitude about sexuality.  These issues are important, but to address them immediately would disrupt the self-disclosure that is taking place.  In this case, it is best to make a mental or written note of the issue so you can come back to it at a more appropriate time.

Give hope without "jumping the gun."  When people come to you with pressing problems, it is important to find a way encourage them that God can help them.  However, it is also important to not be premature about offering specific solutions until you have an accurate discernment of the root issues.  This may have an encouraging effect immediately, but it can be very damaging in the long run.  When you are not sure about the root issues, resist the urge to "shoot from the hip."  Instead, offer more general encouragement by expressing your concern for them and your confidence that God can and will help, and by praying with them for comfort and insight.  This encouragement is genuinely helpful and will usually be readily received.

Confidentiality & Conferral

Introduction

Christians are called on to disclose their problems to one another (Gal. 6:2; Jas. 5:16).  But is it ever right to discuss another’s problem with a third party? 

How do you know when to share something about another person and when not to? Consider some other related questions:

The biblical position

On the one hand, the Bible condemns gossip and defends the idea of confidentiality.

We have all seen the wreckage that gossip can cause: feelings hurt, trust destroyed, relationships ruined - and above all, an atmosphere of mistrust which destroys true community.  People may not open up about serious problems, or they may sanitize their versions of those problems unless we can offer them the safety of legitimate confidentiality.

On the other hand, the Bible sometimes speaks strongly about the need to tell others about someone else's problems. Some disciplinary situations require this.

We can conclude from passages like these that in the body of Christ we may sin, but we do not have the right to insist that other Christians cover for us.

Other passages indicate that discussing others’ sins may be necessary for the healthy working of the local church.

Gossip vs. Conferral

The above passages are not contradictory.  Rather, they describe a tension that requires wisdom, maturity, and is part of authentic Christian community.  There are times when it is best to keep divulged information to yourself, and there are times when it is important to bring it to the attention of others. 

One key to guidance on this issue is your reason for talking about someone else.  Are you acting as a family member or spiritual helper, or as a busybody?  The Bible condemns and prohibits gossip for the sake of tearing down. It commends and at times even commands conferral for the sake of building up.  Consider the following important distinctions between conferral and gossip. 

Conferral	Gossip
Motivated by the desire to help the person and the local church	Motivated by lack of concern or even the desire to hurt the person and exalt yourself
Confers only with responsible people who can help	Talks to whomever you please without regard for its effect on the other person
Confers only about live issues	Talks past, dead, purely personal issues
Does so in addition to talking to the person if needed	Does so instead of talking to the person if needed
Carefully explains the context of the problem to the conferee	Neglects or distorts the context of the problem
Promotes more trust, openness and less gossip in the local church	Promotes fear of openness and more gossip in the local church

We believe that most things divulged to us should not be considered confidential in the strict sense of the word.  The principle: Christians are to relate to each other on the basis of responsible trust.

 If you trust another brother or sister enough to confide in them, you should also trust them enough to do with the information what they think is most helpful for you.  You should receive others' sharing in the same way.  The issue usually is not "Is the information confidential?" but rather "What is the most responsible and helpful way to respond?"

When considering whether or not to confer with another Christian worker, prayerfully consider the following questions:

Other practical matters

How to handle "Don't tell anyone."  If this is given as a condition before the person divulges information to you, refuse to be put into this position.  Assure him that you will not gossip, but tell him that you can't help unless he trusts that you will handle the information responsibly.  If he doesn't trust you that much, he should go to someone he can trust.

What if he calls for secrecy after disclosing?  State that you did not understand it in that light.  If it is a clear case of him wanting to hide his sin, call on him to come out in the light. When others have a right to know (e.g., adultery and their spouse), give him the opportunity to go first, but ascertain that he did do so.  If it is a complicated problem, assure him that you will not take it lightly, but what if others can help more?

Should you tell someone you conferred about his situation?  You should confer if you feel it is needed in order to help the person. If you think it will be helpful or important to tell him you conferred, tell him, but we do not believe it is always required.  Don't be defensive if he asks you if you told someone else.  Simply explain your motives for doing so.  If you are righteous, you have no reason to be ashamed.  If you shared unrighteously, you should repent and apologize.

Conclusion

We should vigorously resist gossip in the body of Christ.  We should learn to judge our own flesh before we gossip, and we should apologize when we do it.  Cultivate constructive concern for the other person.  Learn to ask yourself, "Why do I want to talk to others about this person’s situation?"

We should be unsympathetic (but not self-righteous) with gossip on the part of others. After all, which of us can say we have never done it?  If you discern that someone is gossiping, you can ask "Why are you telling me this?" or "What did they say when you confronted them about this?"  Mature Christians should be able to "vent" around their colleagues; we can’t avoid getting frustrated with people.  But with this freedom comes the responsibility to help each other into a more constructive attitude.

We should resist just as vigorously the unqualified "right to privacy" attitude described above.  So often, my concern that other brothers and sisters not know something about me is a desire to hide my sin, or my own insecurity.  Paul freely told others about his worst sins, and the whole church seemed to know about Peter’s embarrassing denial of Christ.  This concern should be viewed as a sign of spiritual immaturity.  Appropriating the grace of God and letting God help me through his people is the path of growth.

The Christian who says "I am open with God, but not with other Christians" is fooling himself.  To be open with God will involve being open with other Christians because God ministers to us through his Body.

Cultivate "community openness" as an essential aspect of Body-life (1 John 1:7; Galatians 6:2; James 5:16).  We should be moving toward the place where we live openly before each other, trusting that our brothers and sisters love us and will help us.  As privacy and secrecy increases, closeness in community decreases.

To use gossip abuse as an excuse for not being open is to throw the baby out with the bath water.  We should confront and discourage gossip, but we should also practice, model and encourage openness.  We should be willing to pay the price of dealing with gossip as it occurs in order to cultivate an atmosphere of community openness in the body of Christ.

Communication Guide - The Dynamic Change Model

Introduction

In the past few weeks we have discussed the Christian worker’s role in pastoral counseling.  This counseling most commonly occurs in the context of a discipling relationship.  Such counseling will of course address serious sins of commission like those "deeds of the flesh" listed in Galatians 5:19.  But it will also address questionable values and priorities (e.g., materialistic aspirations) and areas of omission (e.g., neglect of outreach or building relationships with younger Christians).

We have discussed a model for change reflecting the Romans 6 description of appropriating our new identity, and we have looked into Love Therapy’s understanding of the dynamics of biblical love.  The basic assumption of the Biblical Model is that people are already motivated to change.  But we have not discussed how we are going to actually communicate this information in a way that facilitates change.  Some important practical questions remain unanswered:

The answer to these questions is not a script, but rather an understanding of what dynamics usually come together in a person to promote redemptive change in his life. First we’ll attempt to understand the change process, and then we’ll look at how to apply it in a discipling/counseling situation.

The Basic Elements of Change

Real, substantial, and lasting change does not happen over night.  Even that “single moment” of enlightenment that seems to change us permanently did not occur in a vacuum.  It happened in the context of other elements leading to that moment.  Nor do the elements that work together toward change always occur in the exact same order or magnitude.  However, the same common elements are usually all present when change occurs. These elements are:

1.     Vision, or goals.

How does God envision you living out this area of your life?  We should have a clear vision and/or goals for how you could or should be in this area--how your relationships could change, how you could be used by God. Part of the answer to this question includes knowing and considering your new identity (stages 2 & 3 in our pastoral counseling model).

2.      Honest evaluation of my present status in that area.

3.      Tension!!!

This is the motivation or internal drive for change.

4.      Develop a plan for change.

You might be clear on how you’d like to act, on where you mess up, and be well-motivated to change.  But that doesn’t mean you have a clue on how to change.  “Presenting ourselves to Christ as instruments of righteousness” (Romans 6:13) means that you choose to act consistently with who you are (my new identity).  Many of the strategies we talked about last week belong here.  Below are some additional possible elements of a good plan:

Think through what it would look like to act consistently with the truth in this area.  It helps to mentally review past failures, or potential future challenges, and how we should respond.  If we do not prepare this way, it is unlikely we will automatically react like a person of God in the next situation.

There is one more that might come up several times throughout the process . . . 

5.      “Counting the cost”

The Counselor/discipler’s role in facilitating change

Initiating the conversation (#1 or #2)

To initiate a conversation about the topic, discern whether you should first approach the subject of his vision/goals (#1) in the area you are concerned about, or the presenting problem(s) you have noticed (#2).

Regardless of where you initiate the conversation (#1 vision/goals or #2 assessment of the problem), he must “own” or form personal convictions of God’s view in BOTH elements.  Only then will he experience the “tension” created by dissatisfaction about his present state and with it the drive to change. Without that, there will not be godly motivation to change and any attempt to suggest a plan for change (#4) will fall on deaf ears or (worse) be followed in order to please you (rather than God).  This is where we often need to exercise patience and pray for God's conviction.

Take him as far through the process of change as he is willing to go on any one “sitting.”  If he is already familiar with God’s view in the problem area and desires that for his life (#1) and is also honest about his present situation is (#2), the “tension” (#3) is probably now there.  You might now move into developing practical ways (#4) to put these convictions into action.

IMPORTANT:  During each of the first two elements, you may need to add to his own understanding. This is important for two reasons:

Discern the tension level (#3).

Assuming the tension level is healthy, he will probably respond very positively to the next suggestion.

Plan for Change (#4)

Count the Cost (#5)

Conclusion

This communication guideline is based on understanding the process people typically go through when becoming motivated to change.  The counselor/discipler’s role is to help discern where the person is in that process, initiate conversation regarding the problem, and facilitate the person being motivated for change.  As you can see, this is not a formula, but rather a set of principles that can help Christian workers communicate the grace of God in the process of helping others grow.

Assignment Due Next Week

Notebook check next week when check into class.

Memory Verses

Key Points to Know for Exam

1. Know the four questions we should review when determining whether or not to confer with another Christian worker about another person's sin issues.

2. Be able to explain the five elements of the "Change Model."