Colossians 3:20-21
A Biblical Framework for Parenting

Teaching t08937

Introduction

Reiterate theme: Transformed lives begin with receiving Christ, are built on a mind-set on our new identity in Christ, and then flow out into our moral behavior and relationships.

A key relational arena for most of us is our families—our relationships with our spouses and children. That's why Paul goes on to discuss family life. Let's study this passage with two important qualifications:

In vs 18-21, Paul supplies us with a “snap shot” of how God designed the family to be. The focus here is on attitudes, which is the most important thing to cultivate. There are tremendous resources available today for further practical instruction and help with complicated situations (BOOK-TABLE, CHRISTIAN BOOKSTORES, SEMINARS & COUNSELING). My purpose today is simply to elaborate on Paul's "snap shot" by bringing some additional scriptures into view, and explaining a little more about what it looks like in practice . . .

I do not presume to teach on this subject as one who has it all together. I know that you that, but I want you to know that I know it as well! I am acutely aware of my own failures and weaknesses and room for growth in this area. But I also believe and have experienced that the grace of God is sufficient to forgive my mistakes and enable me to get back up and empower me to change over time.

FINAL NOTE: For those who are not married or do not have children, this passage teaches relational principles which are necessary for all healthy relationships, and which therefore can be practiced before marriage or parenthood. In fact, the better you practice these principles before marriage, the more likely you will succeed in marriage and parenting!

Marriages Undergoing Transformation (vs 18-19)

Read vs 18-19. There are three important attitudes that are stressed here . . .

Spouses grant each other respect (vs 18: "be subject"). The Bible teaches that this applies in a greater way to the wife. But it also clearly teaches that this is to be mutual (see 1 Pet. 3:7; Eph. 5:21). What does it mean to do this?

Do you listen to your spouse? Genuine interested listening is one of the most rudimentary expressions of respect: I think that you are valuable enough as a person that I give my full attention to what you have to say. It is common to “tune out” your spouse by acting disinterested. It is easy to become unempathetic. It is easy to jump to conclusions before you really understand the issues.

The most foundational expression of this is to stay in regular touch with each others' experiences and thoughts/feelings about those experiences. Recommend DAILY INTERACTION for his purpose: “Tell me 3 things that happened in your life today, and how you felt about those things.”

Do you receive correction from your spouse? It is possible to use your intellect and persuasive abilities to always "turn the tables" on your spouse. It is possible to make them pay such a dear price for correcting you that they learn never to do it. An advanced lesson here would be to initiate an apology before you are corrected. It is easy to buy into the prideful lie that if you receive correction, you will lose respect—nothing could be further from the truth in most cases. In any event, God calls on us to receive correction from him through whatever means he chooses.

Spouses work at making each other feel loved (vs 19). There is a real connection between “love your (spouse)” and “do not become embittered against (him/her).” Bitterness/resentment riddles many marriages. One way to avoid this is to talk (and listen!!) issues out as they arise rather than burying them so that they fester. But this is not enough. The soil in which resentment grows is a relationship without regular, positive, creative love investment that gets through. When this is happening, we are much more able to forbear the disappointments and idiosyncrasies. When it is low or empty, we are greatly diminished in this capacity.

“LOVE LANGUAGES”—We experience love emotionally on different frequencies: WORDS, GIFTS, DOING THINGS FOR, DOING THINGS WITH, SPENDING QUALITY TIME (undivided attention), & PHYSICAL TOUCH.[1] Each of us has a primary LOVE LANGUAGE. Almost never do husbands and wives have the same LOVE LANGUAGE. Yet by nature, we “speak our language”—we express love emotionally to our spouses in the way(s) that make us feel loved. But if that's not their language, they won't feel loved no matter how long we do it.

EXAMPLES: Husband who feels unloved by sexually unresponsive wife. She objects, citing all the things she does for him. Wife who feels unloved by husband who is always helping her around the house, but never talks with her about what's happening and how she feels about it.

This was a real revelation to me! It explained why my wife didn't feel loved by splitting wood, watch football, etc.

SANDERS: “You spoil me and I'll spoil you.”

Spouses look to Christ to meet their deepest needs instead of to each other. Love is not a feeling; it is a choice to serve sacrificially. This means that we are to choose to righteously serve our spouses even when it is costly for us to do so, and without expectation of return.

It is sacrificial to learn what makes my wife feel loved, and then to practice it. It is sacrificial to come home from work asking God for the wisdom and strength to help out with the kids, housework, etc.—rather than as ARCHIE BUNKER (the feudal lord has arrived). It is sacrificial to legitimately correct your spouse when you would rather avoid the conflict.

The problem is that we are very needy people, and because of this, we naturally tend to look to our spouses to meet this need. Where will we find the resources to serve each other sacrificially when we are so needy? It isn't possible to do this apart from Christ because we have no one else that we can trust will meet our needs (FIRST 2 CIRCLES). This is why only vital Christian marriages have the potential for true soul-oneness and fulfillment.

Spouses focus on becoming better mates, not on making their mates better. The text does not say “Be sure that your spouse is subject to you . . . loves you.” What is your focus on—how your spouse needs to change, or how you can become a better spouse? Not only is the latter the biblical focus; it is also the focus that gives peace instead of anxiety, anger and depression, and it is the focus that will result in the best influence for godly change in your spouse! There is a chance for any marriage to revive if one partner begins to approach the relationship in this way.

Parents Undergoing Transformation (vs 20-21)

“Children” here refers to young children. The passage is not directed to adult children, but rather to those who are still under the care of their parents. Vs. 21 probably refers to both parents (pateres in Heb. 11:23).

The warning (see also Eph. 6:4a) is not to exasperate/provoke them to anger so that they lose heart. At the root of so many adult emotional and relational problems is the feeling that my parents didn't care or were impossible to please. How can we avoid this?

They work at making their children feel accepted, secure and significant (1 Thess. 2:6-11). We have the privilege and responsibility to build our young children's self-esteem: to make them feel secure, valued and significant.

This should be an obvious goal for us as parents. Here we must be prepared to swim against the tide of our culture, which tends to view children as obstacles to more important thing sin life (career, etc.). Consider these comments by people in our own fellowship:

“I want my wife to have a sense of accomplishment—not just being at home with the kids.”

“Even though I had a newborn, I was still ashamed not to be working (at my secular job). (When) carpenters were remodelling the house, I had boxes of my (work) mail delivered to my house because I didn't want the carpenters to think I was just a house-wife.”

How can we do this?

This is going to mean that we spend regular times of meaningful interaction with our children. One study revealed that the average American father spends 17 minutes a day in the physical proximity of his preschool children. The amount of time playing and personally interacting with children is far less. Another study revealed that the average father has only 2.7 such encounters per day, and a total of 37 seconds!!![2]

When you consider that the average preschool child watches TV 30-50 hours per week, who do you think has a greater influence??

Dr. Ross Campbell gives three very practical ways to do this: eye-contact, meaningful touch and focused attention.[3] We should also praise accomplishments and encourage them when they are faltering. In these ways, we make it easier for our children to remain open to our needed input.

They properly administer corrective discipline. Corrective discipline is needed because children, like adults, are fallen people (Prov. 22:15). They are born with natures inclined away from godliness and toward destructive self-centeredness. Therefore, corrective discipline is an important expression of love (Prov. 13:24). Research shows that children without proper discipline feel more insecure.

But to be effective, corrective discipline must be child-centered rather than parent-centered (in anger, when convenient to us); with explanation and reaffirmation of love; age-appropriate. Oviously, this means that we will need to apologize to our children sometimes . . .

This is a difficult and thankless job (short-term). But it is so important in instilling self-control, the ability to delay gratification, etc.

They motivate and teach their children how to live for Christ (Eph. 6:4b). Research shows that children who display a high degree of moral development and spiritual interest usually grow up under the care of parents who display the following qualities:[4]

Model enthusiasm about personally relating to and serving God.

Emphasize discussion vs. dogmatic assertion on faith-related issues.

Discuss faith-related issues in a relaxed and natural manner.

Clearly communicate the biblical and rational bases for behavioral expectations.

Do not use guilt-inducing statements about God when admonishing conduct.

Allow for growth and development in conformity to biblical standards.

Initiate frequent and informal discussions about faith-related issues.

Conclusion

We will not have perfect marriages or perfect families because they do not exist in a fallen world. But by the power of Christ, we can experience substantial healing and transformation in both of these arenas. And this is a great witness to a world that desperately needs to see this.

Footnotes

[1]Gary Chapman, "Toward a Growing Marriage: A Biblical Seminar on Marriage," Tape #4.

[2]Straight Talk to Men and Their Wives, p. 36

[3]Ross Campbell, How To Really Love Your Child.