Colossians 3:18-19
A Biblical Framework for Marriage
by Gary DeLashmutt
Teaching t08936
Introduction
Brief review of Colossians theme & setting; social ethics as an important
aspect of authentic spirituality
This morning we will look at the biblical framework for marriage.
Paul gives us a greatly distilled version of it in this passage (read).
Drawing upon other New Testament passages, we will look first at the structure
of marriage and then consider some of the key guidelines for a healthy
marriage relationship.
For those of you who are unmarried, this material is important for at
least two reasons:
In the event that you get married, you need to know what you're getting
into!
The guidelines for the marriage relationship also apply to other close
relationships.
Structure and roles in marriage
At the risk of being tuned out early, I'm going to flop this out on the
table now. As we saw last week, the Bible teaches that in a fallen world
God has imposed structure in all major human relationships by creating
offices of authority (STATE; WORK-PLACE; FAMILY; MARRIAGE). He does this
to restrain anarchy and provide social order in a world where people are
now inclined to do their own will rather than follow God's will. He is
very realistic about this structure—he knows that it can be abused
and condemns that abuse, but he says that in this age it is preferable
to no structure at all. And this is the case in the marriage relationship
as well as the other relationships (Eph. 5:22-24),
even though there are significant differences in the way each of these
offices function.
What does this structure look like in a biblical marriage? Contrary to
what you may have heard, it looks nothing like male chauvinism! The qualifications
the Bible puts on this structure make it very different.
It rejects the chauvinistic notion that husbands are superior to
wives. Rejecting the consensus of his day, the New Testament teaches
that men and women are equal in their essential identity (Gen. 1:27;
Col. 3:10,11). Role/office does not equal identity. The fact that
the husband plays this role in marriage doesn't make him superior any
more than a policeman is superior to you.
It rejects the chauvinistic notion that women should be subject
to all men in every area of life. The call is always limited (as
it is in this passage) to "your husbands."
This means (among other things)
that the Bible implicitly affirms that women should have equal opportunity
for advancement in the workplace.
It rejects the chauvinistic notion that wives should never correct
their husbands. Instead, while affirming the structure, it insists
on mutual subjection within the marriage relationship.
Read Col. 3:16a. Christian husbands should
ready to receive instruction and admonition from their wives. (MORE
ON THIS LATER)
It rejects the chauvinistic notion that wives should unconditionally
obey their husbands, or submit to abusive treatment. The Bible clearly
teaches that all human authority is subject to God's authority, and
that therefore when human authority commands us to disobey God, we must
respectfully disobey human authority (Acts 4:19,20; 5:19). We also
have recourse to other authorities (CHURCH DISICIPLINE; POLICE) to curtail
abusive behavior.
It rejects the chauvinistic notion that wives should limit their
activity to the home. The Bible holds child-rearing in very high
regard (as we will see next week) and opposes the current sentiment
that women who choose to quit their careers to focus full-time on their
children are second-class citizens. But it also affirms wives as active
workers in the church (Priscilla) and in the work world (Prov. 31).
It rejects the chauvinistic notion that husbands may use their authority
to get what they want. Jesus specifically forbade this abuse of
authority in Mk 10:40-45 (read), and Paul specifically calls on
husbands to imitate Jesus by using their authority to sacrificially
serve their wives (read Eph. 5:25). Headship
is not a license for privilege; it is responsibility to initiate serving
love.
Therefore, those who blame the Bible for male chauvinism (and those
who claim the Bible supports their male chauvinism) have either never
studied it carefully, or have willfully distorted its teaching in this
area. The truth about the biblical view's historical effect on society
is actually just the opposite, as Francis Schaeffer points out: "In
a fallen world it is not surprising to see that men have turned this
structure into a kind of slavery. It is not meant to be a slavery. In
fact, it is in cultures where the Bible has been influential that the
balance (between structure and love) has been substantially restored."[1] EXAMPLE:
SUTTEE IN INDIA;
WOMEN SUFFRAGE
When should a husband exercise this decision-making authority? Here is
my conclusion: In major decisions not clearly addressed in scripture,
if after careful and prayerful discussion husband and wife cannot agree,
the husband should assume the responsibility to make the decision that
he thinks will best advance God's glory and the family's good.
"In major decisions not clearly addressed in scripture . . . " In
those decisions that are clearly addressed in scripture, husband and
wife should mutually submit to God. In less important decisions, both
parties should be ready to defer to what the other wants ("If you're
happy, I'm happy.")
" . . . if after careful and prayerful discussion . . . "
I am sometimes persuaded by my wife that the course she advocates is
better. I am sometimes convicted by God that my motives for my course
are selfish.
" . . . the husband should assume the responsibility . . . "
I will answer to God for this, so I take it very seriously.
In a good marriage, this is rarely needed because you can normally
come to an agreement about the best course of action. But it is there
for those cases when it is needed. The resolution is not to vote or
to take turns on getting what you want—but to move forward in this
way. And in these cases, God calls on wives to respect their husband's
office and go along with a good attitude.
I know I haven't answered all your questions about this area. I'm trying
to supply you with the biblical framework within which you must seek God's
guidance. The best advice for specific situations usually comes from solid
Christians who know you well. Let's move on to some guidelines for
a healthy marriage relationship. (I speak from experience here--but
as a learner, not as one who has arrived.)
Guidelines for a healthy marriage relationship
Communicate respect to your spouse. 1 Pet. 3:7b applies
to both husbands and wives! What does it mean to do this? Consider these
questions:
Do you stay in touch with your spouse's life? Do you regularly (ideally
daily) inquire about your spouse's recent experiences and thoughts/feelings
about those experiences?
Do you pray with your spouse? This builds and maintains intimacy that
is centered around intimacy with and submission to God.
Do you ask advice from your spouse? There is no better resource in
many areas, and it communicates respect.
Do you receive correction from your spouse? It is possible to use your
intellect, your persuasive abilities, or your emotional power to turn
the tables on your spouse. It is possible to make them pay such a dear
price for correcting you that they learn never to do it. Look for the
truth in what they're saying instead of looking for the flaws to discredit
the whole message. It is easy to buy into the prideful lie that if you
receive correction, you will lose respect—nothing could be further
from the truth in most cases.
Prioritize positive love investment. The command to love one another
includes the emotional arena—to express our love in morally legitimate
ways that help our spouses feel loved. Gary Chapman enlightened
me on this priority by explaining what he calls "love languages."[2] We experience
love emotionally on different "frequencies": e.g., WORDS, GIFTS,
DOING THINGS FOR, DOING THINGS WITH, APPRECIATING THEIR WORK, UNDIVIDED
ATTENTION, UNEXPECTED CONTACT, PHYSICAL TOUCH, etc. Husbands and wives
rarely have the same love language. Yet we naturally tend to express love
emotionally to our spouses in the way(s) that make us feel loved. Instead,
we need to learn our spouses' love languages, and then find ways to communicate
love on those frequencies.
EXAMPLES: Husband who feels unloved by a physically unresponsive wife.
She objects, citing all the things she does for him. Wife who feels
unloved by a husband who is always helping her around the house, but
never talks with her about what's happening and how she feels about
it.
This was a real revelation to me! It explained why my wife didn't feel
loved when I asked her to split wood with me! It also explained her
response when I called her from work (for the first time in seven years
of marriage) to ask how her day was going ("Who is this?")!
I can't emphasize enough how important this is. There is a real connection
between "love your (spouse)" and "do not become embittered
against (him/her)." The soil in which resentment grows is a relationship
without consistent positive love investment that gets through. Yes,
you need to resist hurtful language and apologize when you do it. Yes,
you need to talk out conflicts as they come up. But consistent investment
in this way is what sustains mutual appreciation and makes forgiveness
and forbearance easier to extend. "Love covers a multitude of sins."
Focus more on becoming a better spouse than on making your spouse
better. The text does not say "Be sure that your spouse is subject
to you . . . loves you."
What is your focus on—how your spouse needs to change, or how
you can become a better spouse? God says we should do the latter—it
is the focus that gives peace instead of anxiety, anger and depression,
and it is the focus that will result in the best influence for godly
change in your spouse!
Look to Christ to meet your deepest needs instead of to your spouse.
Love is not primarily a feeling; it is a choice to serve sacrificially
(even when it is costly for us to do so) and freely (without expectation
of return). The problem is that we are very needy people, and because
of this, we naturally tend to look to our spouses to meet this need.
BRIDE: "I am so thankful that you make me feel so secure—and
I'm counting on always being there for me for the rest of my life." GROOM:
"I'm so thankful you make feel so important and significant—and
I'm counting on you always doing this for me for the rest of my life." This
is a recipe for marital disaster—affairs, career obsession, sucking
from children, etc.
Where will we find the resources to serve each other sacrificially
when we are so needy? It isn't possible to do this apart from Christ
because we have no one else that we can trust to meet our needs.
This is why we need to receive Christ, cultivate a mindset focused
on what we have in him, and learn how to depend upon him to empower
us and show us how to love others. Then we can be grateful (rather than
demanding) when God expresses his love to us through our spouses, and
we can serve freely.
It is realistic about problems in marriage and the pain they can cause.
It is hopeful about what Christ can do when both spouses trust him. And
it provides examples of how to trust Christ in the midst of marital distress.
I am sympathetic to the reasons why some Christians reject this structure.
But the Bible does affirm the basic structure, and the attempts to interpret
scripture in ways that eliminate it are invalid.
Some say this structure was merely cultural (like women wearing veils),
and that since our culture no longer affirms it we are free to reject
it. But the biblical reason for it (Gen. 3:16) and Paul's parallel to
Christ and the church (Eph.5:23-25)
transcend culture.
Some say "headship" (see
Eph. 5:23) means
"source" (as in a river source), and that Paul is merely saying
husbands are to be the source of love for their wives. But the context
of these passages (PARENTS; EMPLOYERS; GOVERNORS) makes it clear that
an office of authority is in view, even though there are significant
differences in the way each of these offices function. Furthermore,
to say that husbands are the source of love for their wives strikes
me as not only unscriptural but also demeaning to women.
Footnotes
[1] Francis A. Schaeffer, Genesis in Space
and Time (Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press, 1972), p. 94.
[2] Gary Chapman, "Toward a Growing Marriage:
A Biblical Seminar on Marriage," Tape #4.
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