The relaxed parent has realistic expectations – of himself and of his children.

• Our job isn’t to make our children happy, but to help them become more human.
• We have expectations in our mind about "the good parent". When we come close to meeting them, we feel content & competent. When we don’t we feel guilty or anxious.

9 Principles for Parenting in Reality

1. Trying to communicate like an adult with your child leads to frustration. Focus on listening & tuning into the emotions rather than the actual words.
2. If you are angry, say so. But do it in such a way that it doesn’t insult or blame
3. Trying to "do it all" is a guaranteed path to burnout. Sometimes we help most by not helping.
4. Feelings aren’t good or bad, they just are.
5. Punishment as a means of correction isn’t enough. We need to teach appropriate behavior through discipline.
6. Words have tremendous power to heal, affirm & guide our children.
7. When we acknowledge our child’s strong negative emotions instead of trying to change them, we communicate acceptance at a time when our child needs it the most.
8. We help our child by preparing them to make good decisions. One way to do this is teaching by using consequences.
9. We communicate dignity & respect to our child. We avoid shaming them.

Ten Trends in Childhood

1. Less Supervision – Mom’s used to be home & available but not in today’s world. Less supervision leads to more independence. Children are left alone at an earlier age. They are expected to become independent & are often hurried to achieve separation from parents. They are being rushed towards independence.
2. Too Many Choices – "Young people today are freer than ever before to engage in sexual activity, to abuse drugs and to flout adult authority. At the same time, they are less prepared than ever before to manage these new freedoms." David Elkind, "The Hurried Child"
3. A Rush to Adulthood – Instead of sheltering & bestowing our love, we treat our children like another task. We want them to grow up in a hurry & we don’t protect them from the worries of the adult world.
4. Loss of Innocence – All of this adult-like behavior & exposure leads to a loss of child like innocence.
5. More Single Parents – The disappearance of marriage as a dependable, permanent structure within which children can live out their childhood is surely the most consequential change that has occurred in the last two decades. Children begin to consider, "Who will take care of me if my parents can’t even take care of themselves?"
6. No More Heroes – Kids used to have heroes for role models. Now they have celebrities, Michael Jackson, Madonna, yuck! Children in our country are desperately in need of guides – people who know the path & are willing to show the way.
7. Blurring of Roles & Boundaries – It used to be kids were kids & adults were adults, it is kind of blurry today. Two technologies largely responsible for pulling down boundaries & making children grow up prematurely are the Internet & television sets. Parents need to restore the "top shelf". There are certain things children shouldn’t be exposed to until they are older.
8. The End of Play – Children often have busy schedules, so busy that their play is scheduled, structured & not always relaxing. They work more than they play. All this scheduling limits our children’s creativity & experiences with us.
9. Critical Decisions Too Early – "Am I gay?" Children absorb what they are exposed to. They may not fully understand but will process it as best they can. It won’t go over their heads if they aren’t ready for it; it will go into their heads, ready or not.
10. Receiving Parents’ Money Instead of Time – We try to replace ourselves with stuff.

The relaxed parent prepares his children for life by treating them as family members, not guests.

• Kids today have high expectations. A taste for perfection & a distaste for discomfort. Everything must be fun & they must have it now.
• When we give our kids everything, it robs them of the joy of anticipation. It replaces wonder with an ugly sense of entitlement.
• Why do we do this? To keep them from struggling. To meet their needs & wants. To keep them from failure.
• Feeling that one is the center of the universe does not prepare a person to meet the demands of an intimate relationship, which requires compromise, negotiation, an extraordinary capacity to give, and caring as deeply for another as one does for oneself.
• Our obsession with our children feeling good is not producing children who feel good. Our children need to learn that life is not pain-free and that disappointments, sacrifices & occasional failures are as much a part of life as party favors, soccer camps & Nintendo 64.
• How can we distinguish between needs & wants? Needs are basic biological needs, wants are everything else.
• Individuals are important for what they can contribute to the community, not for their distinctive individuality.

Why We Give In To Our Children

1. As a substitute for time – it helps reduce our feelings of guilt.
2. To avoid confrontation – tired & busy parents don’t want to fight. It takes too much energy.
3. To compensate for our own childhood – we want to treat our kids better than our parents treated us.
4. To maintain social status – we don’t want our kids to be "branded".

Traits of Spoiled Rotten Kids

1. Feeling Bored – "What have you done for me lately?"
2. Demanding – They want the best & they want it now!
3. Addiction to Having & Doing the Latest Fashion – kids are addicted to peer approval.
4. Lack of Sensitivity – they become more & more self-centered & typically lack compassion.
5. Lack of Self-Discipline – haven’t learned the value of persistence.
6. Selective Truth – honesty is not a value, comfort & freedom are esteemed.
7. Problems with Performance & Competition – seldom good sports. Skilled at rationalization.
8. Focused on the Present – consequences are not considered.
9. Lack of Purpose – kids with no purpose find & make trouble.
10. Difficulty with Decisions – quick gratification is the standard so decisions are usually made in haste.

because he understands that not every moment is a teachable moment.

• Admit we don’t know it all. Be coachable. Learn from your kids.
• Our influence is stronger than we think & our kids want to have a relationship with us.

Fathers & Daughters

1. Affirm her whole person – it is from her father that a girl needs to know she is attractive, interesting & creative.
2. Affirm her ambition, achievement & competence – a father’s confidence in her & her capabilities will give confidence to survive on her own.
3. Affirm a balance between emotions & reason – demonstrates an appreciation for beauty, feelings & aesthetics. He also affirms reason, logic & clear thinking.

• Your daughters may need a hug the most when you think they want it the least – when they are teenagers.
• Fathers teach their sons to be men & their daughters what to look for in a husband.
• Mothers teach their daughters to be women & their sons what to look for in a wife.
• Take time with your kids, develop your relationship. Talk to your children not at them.
• Have the kind of relationship where they pick up what is important to us.

The relaxed parent realizes effective communication with children differs from effective communication with adults.

• Children don’t value communication like we do. We think more logical & linear, teen conversation is more random & nonsequential, in other words, chaotic.
• Trying to get all the answers & understand drives kids batty. They feel interrogated.
• Kids are happy to leave things open-ended, so always seeking closure can be dangerous, also.
• Kids talk more in the car. They feel less intimated & can easily change the subject.

Four Tips on Talking

1. Be sensitive to your child’s limitations – they have limitations with focus, experience & relationships.
2. Talking is 50% your responsibility – our part is to initiate & create an environment for conversation; their part is to respond.
3. Speak for yourself, not your children – if a teen believes you want their input & are willing to listen to their perspective, then they are much more likely to converse with you.
4. Spend time with your child – kids are like gardens, they take a lot of time & effort.

• Remember, no one at the end of their life says, "I wish I would have spent more time at work."
• When we spend chunks of time with our kids, we increase the odds for great conversations.
• Quality time happens after we invest quantity time.

The relaxed parent has developed a strategy to move from bribing to motivating.

• We want to prepare them for life & then launch them into society. This takes inner motivation.
• Parents are either raising characters or building characters.

Ten Tips for Motivating Your Child

1. Allow your child to fail – we rob our kids of motivation when we rescue them.
2. Give your child regular household responsibilities – when we affirm our child’s contribution, they begin to see that they are needed & have something valuable to offer. It builds their self-esteem.
3. Decide to limit what you give your child – be concerned with their needs, not their wants. Waiting develops self-control for their later years.
4. Teach & model respect for people & property – teach them to care for & value what belongs to them. They must understand the value of property to respect another’s possessions. Model respect by being on time, be courteous with service people (waitresses, cashiers, etc.), drive courteously & don’t criticize behind someone’s back. (Your kid is watching!)
5. Build into your child the value of completion – limit their activities & teach them completion, a sense of achievement & closure. Otherwise, they learn if something gets tough, just quit (won’t work at a job or in a marriage).
6. Limit exposure to media – they are drowning in information & starved for knowledge. When kids are over-stimulated with information they become passive & apathetic. Encourage them to read & think, daily.
7. Teach & model personal virtues over conformity – honesty, faith, hope, courage & love are more important than social status.
8. Hold your child personally accountable – children should be responsible for what they say & do. There are always consequences for the choices we make in life.
9. Work together – projects (school, home, etc.) build relationships. We build motivation when we create opportunities to serve together.
10. Play together – when parents & children relax, laugh & enjoy each other, it builds a bond. Having fun is motivating.

The relaxed parent turns over areas of response-ability to his children to help them learn from the consequences.

• Children know us well & how we will respond. The problem becomes, "who is training who?"
• Discipline them to learn right behavior, the ability to respond properly to life situations, "response-ability".
• Discipline is the deliberate creation of stress in your relationship with your child for the purpose of helping him or her grow & learn.
• Discipline focuses on learning & growing. Punishment focuses on behavior & rule-keeping.
• Consequences are tools, not rules. Choose the consequences, inform your children & stick to them.
• Natural vs. logical consequences discussed.
• We need to choose our battles wisely or we will be battling all the time. Don’t get side-tracked by minor issues.
• Prioritize issues & work on them little by little, don’t expect children to improve on all fronts.

The relaxed parent guides his children by moving them from a position of control to a position of influence.

• Remote-control parenting uses consequences to control & rechannel your child’s misbehavior.
• Families should be run by parents, not kids. Homes are not meant to be democracies.
• Kids will respect parents who make order out of chaos. When we set boundaries & stick to them, it gives children a sense of security.

Relaxed parents guide their children with timeless principles based on universal truth, not the latest formulas.

• Parents needs to ask themselves, " Why do we have kids & what do we want to pass on to them?"
• "What can we learn from the previous generation?"
• "What do we want to pass on?"
• "What do we definitely not want to pass on?"
• We want our children to be whole, loving adults. Confident & productive, at ease with the world. How?
• Give them a blessing. By what we say & do, we can affirm their personal worth.
• Write your child a note describing what qualities you like about him/her.
• Ask your child to help plan a family day or vacation
• Keep your child’s current picture at your workplace.
• Tell them, "I have confidence in you."
• "Thanks for being yourself. I like being around you."
• "It sounds like you have been doing some good thinking."
• Our culture is focused on image & personality. We need to parent on character & what lies within our children.
• Effective habits are behaviors that are desirable & based on principles.
• Principle-centered parenting believes there are universal values, values for all cultures for all time. Absolutes that govern relationships like natural laws govern nature.
• Principle-oriented parenting gives parents a North Star, it helps us focus on important issues not the urgent. These are the issues of character, who they are becoming from the inside out.

An awesome book, I would & have recommended this book as reading for all parents. I don’t like the title, "The Relaxed Parent", it gives me a "feeling" of permissiveness which is not what it is about. It should be called "The Effective Parent" or "Principled Parenting". The other weakness of this book is a lack of real life & age appropriate examples of "Principled Parenting". I think this book is a great start, a great foundation to parenting effectively (principled parenting) but give me some examples.