Two Goals:

• Building on the Right Foundation
• training and life interaction

• Helping them make the Trust Transfer
• helping them through adversity

Building on the Rock: I am Lovable

• Eye contact, focused attention and physical contact: "you are lovable"

• Reading and doing things together: "I enjoy you"

• Grateful attitude for the relationship

• Recognition of personal worth

• Recognition of real accomplishment

• Recognition of personal impact

Flattery : An attempt to produce good feelings or good will by the exaggeration of attributes or accomplishment

 

• A legitimate sense of personal worth

• An outward focus – awareness of impact

• Security of accurate self perception

• Intimacy and honest sharing

Flattery promotes:

• Unrealistic self appraisal

• Selfish focus

• Insecurity

• Distance in honest relating and sharing

Building on Sand: I am Lovable

• Flattery and "self esteem" techniques

• Distracted relating

• Chronic anger or exasperation

• Low investment, emotional negligence

Building on the Rock: I am Morally Acceptable

• Clear understanding of moral issues

• Realistic rules and expectations with real and consistent consequences

• Facing and resolving conflicts

• Open forgiveness for wrong behavior

• Discipline without shock or anger

• Focus on the behavior, not the child

• Intervene decisively before behavior gets out of control or forces a conflict

The further disobedience progresses, the more difficult it is to be objective and fair.

Building on Sand: I am Morally Acceptable

• Unclear or relativistic moral standards.

• Unrealistic expectations for behavior and inconsistent enforcement of rules

• Avoidance of or lack of resolution of conflict

• Anger, rejection or manipulation

• Failure to distinguish between childish irresponsibility and defiance.

• Lack of sensitivity to Leadership style need

• Blaming the behavior on teething, tiredness, being off schedule, hormones, a "stage", etc. (Teaching to use excuses)

Teaching them to live in violation of their conscience:

• Guilt

• Callousness

Neither will promote self acceptance

 

Building on the Rock: I am Capable

• Attention to their efforts; school crafts, sports, etc.

• Point out their abilities – especially to others.

• Realistic jobs with expectation of success

• Teach "adult" tasks that are useful

• Help them with more complex projects

Building on Sand: I am Capable

• Hurry them through tasks and be frustrated when they don’t perform well

• Be dissatisfied with what they do and hard to please; "carrot motivation"

• Have low expectations and provide few challenges; "you couldn’t do it anyway"

• Criticize them in front of others

Why are they so bored?

• Low expectations, Low challenge

• We were created with a need to learn and to "make a difference" (purpose)

• There is an inner need to strive and to overcome obstacles

Where does rebellion come from?

• Low challenge and boredom – a need to LIVE. "There’s got to be more to life than this!"

• Hopelessness – "It doesn’t matter, I can never succeed or please them anyway."

• Relational rejection – "If you don’t love me, I won’t dance to your tune."

We know they are lovable but can they love?

• Affection

• Attention

• Loyalty

• Forgiveness

• Correction

• Realistic expectations of others

• Teach thoughtfulness; phone calls, thank yous, get well cards

• Talk through angry episodes (not while angry!). Seek apologies and forgiveness

Building on Sand: I am at Peace with Others

• Allow them to express anger by saying/doing hurtful things

• damages relationships

• promotes a "root of bitterness" and self justification

• Allow selfish behavior – pushing, grabbing, etc

• Give them things when they scream rudely

How many episodes do you still remember when you felt wronged?

 

As a wise master builder...

"... As a wise master builder I laid a foundation, and another is building upon it. But let each man be careful how he builds upon it. For no man can lay a foundation other than the one which is laid, which is Jesus Christ..."

Paul of Tarsus, Apostle

Mission Statement:

"The core of any family is what is changeless, what is always going to be there – shared vision and values. By writing a family mission statement, you give expression to its true foundation."

Stephen R. Covey

• The ability to subordinate an impulse to a value is the essence of the proactive person.

• Reactive people are driven by feelings, by circumstances, by conditions, by their environment.

• Proactive people are driven by values – carefully thought about, selected and internalized values. Stephen R. Covey