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Communication and Conflict

Part 1: Communication

The most important and fragile of human endeavors.

The exchange of ideas, feelings, dreams, plans, affections and needs.

 

Communication: 3 Levels

• Physical

• Emotional

• Verbal

 

Communication: Physical

In Infancy:

Calmness -------------- Acceptance

Consistency ----------- Trustworthiness

Cuddling -------------- Affection and Security

 

In Early Childhood

• Carrying, Cuddling and Care taking
• Physical Playing

In Middle Childhood:

• Hugs, Casual Affection
• Be sensitive to their peers

Teens and Young Adults:

• May be more sensitive and physically withdrawn
• Keep up casual, non-intrusive touch

 

Communication: Emotional

1. At any Age:

• Eye Contact

• Focused Attention

• Calmness and acceptance

 

2.  A relationship characterized by...

• Haste & Distraction = "you are not important"

• Frustration & Anger = "you are not acceptable"

 

3. Primary dependence on Emotional Communication does not change with age or maturity.

 

 

Communication: Non-verbal

The basis for perception of:

• acceptance / non-acceptance
• trust / mistrust
• security / insecurity

 

Communication: Verbal

• Least clear and least effective

• Clarifies or confuses messages already being received from non-verbal communication

 

Responsibility of the Hearer...

• Communication is a two way street ...
• Listening
• The Benefit of the Doubt
• Clarification

 

Communication: Expressing

1. How much should I express to my child?

• Anxiety

• Sadness

• Anger

2. Projected Communication: Successful Communication requires:

• Appropriate vocabulary and verbal symbols

• Prior listening and understanding

• Prior evaluation and goal setting

• Initiative on the part of the parent

• Time .... time .... time

3. Perceived Communication: Depends on getting through the "filters"

• Depends on the communication style or history already established

• Depends on the emotional climate

• Depends on the willingness of the receiver

5. Unwillingness to hear:

• Unresolved anger

• Gradual alienation

• Defiant or disinterested attitude

 

Communication: Exploring - Getting into their world

• What are they excited about?

• What are they worried about?

• Who are their friends? What do they appreciate about them?

• What do they dream about or fear for the future?

 

Communication: Affirming - The constant, unexpressed question of children to their parents;

"Do you love me?"

 

Communication: Teaching

1. The "Teachable moment"

 

2. Situational: but not at a time of conflict

• Easy to appear judgmental
• Easy to be perceived as rejecting

 

3. Concrete examples, logical outcomes

 

Communication: Directing

1. Directive messages are emotionally laden and often misinterpreted

 

2. Clarity!

Message sent

Message Received

 

Unintentional Communication:

• Habits

• Priorities

• Attitudes

 

Overlooked Communication:

• Expectations

 

• The Big Picture

 

• Our reactions:
• emotional

• values and discernment

• logistic

 

Expectations

• "Going to the beach" syndrome

• Plan ahead

• Be clear

• Be consistent

 

Part 2: Conflict

A state of antagonism or opposition produced by competing wills, needs agendas or expectations.

 

 

1. Myths about conflict:

• Conflict is bad for the relationship

• Conflict must be avoided

• Conflict is a sign of a weak relationship

 

2. Conflict reality:

• It is inevitable

• It must be recognized and addressed

• It is immensely useful and healthy for the relationship to grow and flourish!

 

3. Necessary, healthy conflict:

• Clarifies issues and principles

• Teaches and affirms values

• Brings the parent and child together and avoids alienation

 

4. Unnecessary, unhealthy conflict: Caused by:

• A competition of wills – an unhealthy need to "win" or to be in control"

• A lack of understanding of the child’s growing ability and development

 

 

5. Issues of Control:

• Leadership Style

• Directive

 

• Facilitative

 

• How we view parental responsibility

 

• How we view personal autonomy

 

• How we view the will

 

The "Will"

• Much misunderstood

• Much maligned

• Much feared

 

1. The "Strong Willed Child"

• Congratulations!

• The world we live in demands strength and certitude, not passivity.

 

2. The "Easy-Going" Child

• Congratulations!

• Diplomacy and stability are much of what holds the world together.

3. What is the "Will"? The power to make conscious, deliberate choices or to control what one does.

• decisiveness
• determination

 

4. The Role of the Will

In addition to self-awareness, imagination, and conscience, it is the fourth human endowment – independent will – that really makes effective self-management possible.

It is the ability to make decisions and choices and to act in accordance with them.

It is the ability to act rather than to be acted upon, to proactively carry out the program we have developed through the other three endowments.

Empowerment comes from learning how to use this great endowment in the decisions we make every day.

Stephen R. Covey

5. We WANT strong willed children!

• Not autonomous or selfish

• Not "willful" or disobedient

• Able to decide, to act and to persevere

 

Obedience: What are the issues?

• Attitude

• Compliance

• Learning

 

A lot of conflict is caused by...

1. Irritation

• Planning

• Expectations

• Personal Agenda

2. Discouragement

• Loss of vision

• Loss of perspective

• Loss of support system

• Loss of hope

3. Fatigue

• Too much (number)

• Too fast (schedule)

• Too long (duration)

 

Common issues of conflict ...

• Eating

 

• Bedtime

 

• Demands and whining

 

• What to wear
• health

• style

• expense

 

• What to watch, listen to or play

 

• Where to go, when to be back

 

• Friends

 

What do we really want? Obedience or Discernment?

• Which is more important?

 

• Discernment will bring greater obedience, but obedience does not necessarily lead to discernment.

 

Context is everything ...

• What makes my opinion better than theirs?

 

• Besides the fact that we make them obey, why should they?

The essential questions:

What is my life about?

Am I living a life worthy of imitation?

Am I being what I want them to be?

 

1. Moral authority is infinitely more powerful than force or duty:

• Respect

 

• A Coherent Life Philosophy

 

• A Realistic Model

 

2. How can I possibly have TIME to be so involved and think ahead about so many different issues???

 

Urgent vs. Important: