Chapter 9

Are We Moving in the Same Direction?

We have already addressed most of the biggest questions about values and direction for those contemplating marriage. Our involvement in building deep relationships, learning to practice Christian maturity, self-control in our sexuality and spiritual sharing while dating, are usually good indicators of where our priorities lie. In fact, Christians often profess one set of priorities, but their lifestyles proclaim a different set. There is no substitute for objective progress reflected in action. If we ignore the facts, we will likely pay a high price for our negligence.

In addition to general values, such as spiritual growth and authentic belief in Christ, wise Christians will seek to marry those who share the same or compatible priorities and direction in life, even in certain less-important areas. These areas don't measure up to the central values we have discussed so far, but some of them could prove more important than we think in the intimate confines of marriage.

Marital Closeness Under God's Authority

When two people join their lives together, how do they decide on direction? What if one has habits or tastes that annoy the other? What if their priorities are different? In a secular marriage, there is no clear answer to these questions. Generally, counselors suggest couples should compromise or take turns in decision making. But these solutions don't always work. Spouses wind up saying, "We decided your way last time," and we open a new source of conflict. Similarly, consider how you would feel in this scenario: "We decided my way about which movie to see last night, but now we have to decide your way on which house to buy!"

Both trading off and compromising may be useful in some situations but are often problematic. Some decisions won't allow for compromise. Suppose a husband and wife don't agree in which area of town to live. If they compromise, they may end up living in an area they both hate. This is why in real life we find that the more powerful partner usually compels the weaker to comply with his or her agenda. Powerless partners have to decide how much they are prepared to take. The choice seems to be either slavery, perpetual power struggles, or flight. In cases where neither spouse is clearly more powerful, couples may engage in constant wrangling over even the smallest things.

With Christ, we have an alternative way of life. We are no longer two people trying to get our own way. In a Christian relationship, both partners are concerned with discovering and following God's way.

Here is a basis for closeness. When other people's actions hurt or annoy us, what can we do? When we simply can't get someone close to us to be reasonable, where do we turn? We either try to make them change through force or manipulation, or we learn to keep our distance. No wonder modern people have trouble attaining intimacy in relationship!

But in a Christian relationship, both partners have a starting point for closeness. On one hand, we have a reason for calling on the other person to change based on the will of God. On the other hand, we have an obligation to be willing to change ourselves in accordance with the will of God. Although we could still disagree about what God wants at times, at least we have some basis for agreement other than who has the most power. Finally, in Christ, we also have a basis for grace in relationships, which means we can forgive negatives in our spouse.

The paradigm of Christian couples living under the authority of God includes benefits and sacrifices for both partners. Most of the sacrifices are in the area of ego and selfishness. The benefits are in the areas of closeness, the gratification of being used by God, and the joy of loving deeply.

Marriage Roles and Gender

In addition to the general idea of basing a marriage on the will of God, Scripture teaches the husband should be the spiritual "head" in marriage. What does this mean? Headship is a troubling concept in our day, and we need to understand it in context.

Being the "head" in the biblical sense means the husband is responsible to initiate love and self-sacrifice for the well-being of his wife. (See Ephesians 5:22-29.) It does not mean the husband must be spiritually older than his wife, nor does it give the husband a license to insist on his own way. He is only to inquire of God's way.

Faithful exegesis of the relevant passages will show God affirms male leadership in the home. Remember, however, leadership in the biblical context is servant leadership. Paul said husbands should "love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25, NIV). This is the kind of leadership Christ demonstrated when he let himself be nailed on a cross for us. Jesus could be very authoritative, but he did not selfishly boss people around. He said, "... even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many" (Mark 10:45, NIV). When Jesus gives us a directive, it is not because he enjoys controlling us, but because he is concerned for our welfare. He also extends an amazing level of freedom to his followers, allowing us to defy his will and still continue our relationship without rejection. He will discipline us for our good, but he will never reject us. (See Hebrews 13:5.)

Coming under such self-denying leadership poses no threat to our happiness. A woman who submits to the servant leadership of a mature Christian man should be anticipating a life where her husband devotes himself to providing for her needs, protecting her and, yes, directing her at times. A servant leader will not insist on his way in areas where it is not possible to know objectively what God wants. He will call for his wife to follow Christ along with himself but will often graciously allow her to refuse his suggestions. Like Jesus, he will not compel obedience but will seek to win it through persuasion and love. The Lord doesn't force us to follow him; he wants us to follow willingly.

Any man (or woman) who is eager to assume such a role of leadership has probably not grasped what the Lord is saying in this passage. To be responsible for initiating love—for initiating self-giving—is a daunting role. Properly understood, no husband would object if his wife offered to lead the way in self-sacrifice for a while. The role of headship in a marriage is not a role of privilege, but of responsibility and self-sacrifice.

Our modern aversion to authority is incompatible with Christianity, not only because it flies in the face of biblical teaching, but because it is based on our fear of corrupt and self-serving authority figures.

Servant Leadership In Action

A Christian man should be spiritually mature enough to secure his wife's respect and basic willingness to follow his leadership, contingent, of course, on the higher authority of God.[1] When the Bible refers to wives submitting to their husbands, it essentially means wives should cultivate an attitude of respect for their husbands. (Note that in summing up the spouses' respective roles in Ephesians 5:33, Paul uses the word "respect" to describe the wife's role.) "Respect" in this context includes recognition of her husband as a legitimate leader—an inclination to go along with her husband's direction when possible. A wife who submits to her husband is free to suggest directions or to question and challenge his direction. She is obligated to point out when she believes he is violating God's will. But she will turn away from self-willed resistance or manipulation.

Headship does not mean that only wives should be willing to defer to their spouses. In fact, willingness to defer to others for Christ's sake is the foundation of all relationships in the body of Christ. The verb "submit" in Ephesians 5:22 is really borrowed from verse 21: "Submit to one another in the fear of (out of respect for) Christ, wives to your husbands as to the Lord." Therefore, the wife's submission to the husband within Christian marriage is grounded in both spouses' willingness to defer to each other in love, as well as to other Christian friends in their church.[2] We are all to submit to Christ's moral leadership whenever it is expressed through others.

All of this means we should emphatically reject the view that submissive wives let their husbands do all the thinking in the marriage, or must quietly ignore evil in their husband's lives. Neither does it mean that Christian husbands can be bossy and controlling. Biblical headship does not mean that the husband must decide on every matter pertaining to the household. Husbands and wives should negotiate and agree on who will take responsibility for paying the bills, grocery shopping, car maintenance, and other like matters. Creative and critical discussion between spouses about major decisions is also fully compatible with the idea of headship. Such discussion is necessary for a healthy marriage. If both spouses are committed to God and to the good of the other, most decisions can and should be mutual, and only the weakest husband would fear such discussions. In the rare cases in which husband and wife cannot agree on an important decision, the husband who has proven himself as a servant leader will usually be able to make a mature decision—either to hold to his view if necessary, or to sacrificially let his wife have her way, especially if no moral issue is involved.

Jesus' authority was valid because he did not seek his own will but the will of him who sent him (John 5:30). He also explained that he was willing to "lay down his life for the sheep" (John 10:15). In the same way, the Christian husband is to lead the way in demonstrating a humble commitment to God's will rather than insisting on his own will. He should take the initiative in practicing sacrificial service to meet his wife's needs, even at his own personal expense. Such husbands are usually able to secure their wife's trust and respect.

Both partners in a marriage should understand and agree on their concept of headship before getting married. Christians differ on how they interpret these passages, but however a couple understands them, they need agreement. Those already married may also need to rethink this area. If you are a married woman, are you comfortable responding to the spiritual leadership of your husband? Or is the idea of following your husband unrealistic or distasteful? Recognizing leadership in the home may be especially difficult for women who have experienced evil male authority figures, or who have adopted an ideology that opposes the concept of gender roles.[3] At other times, the husband's way of life makes it difficult for the wife to take his leadership
seriously.

Whatever the causes, resolving these issues is important for Christian marriage. Additional reading on the subject of headship may help.[4]

Areas of Potential Conflict

The old adage says "love is blind." This adage means romantic lovers often fail to recognize shortcomings and areas of disagreement with their partners. Later, when the couple sets about establishing a household and building a marriage, these shortcomings and disagreements surface. When a couple is unskilled in problem solving, this can produce serious conflict and even threaten the marriage. To avoid such a situation, couples should think through possible problem areas before marriage.

Family Ties
What degree of independence from parents is appropriate? The Bible says men and women should "leave and cleave." This means the nuclear family based on marriage is to take precedence over earlier allegiance to parents. As a couple, you should decide, for example, how many visits you plan to make to out-of-town in-laws per year. Decide that you will respect the counsel of parents but reach your own decisions independently. Decide how you will handle excessive parental meddling.

Relationships With Future In-laws
Are the in-laws supportive of your marriage? If not, see the discussion of this subject in Chapter 10. Have you both been able to establish cordial relationships with your corresponding in-laws? If not, how will you deal with this in the future? A surprising number of serious conflicts arise in marriages in which the partners have not clearly communicated in this area.

Household
Do you both agree on what kind of house and neighborhood you will live in? Expectations about such things are often learned in childhood and accepted uncritically. Have these expectations been scrutinized according to biblical teaching on stewardship and materialism? How will each of your callings in ministry affect your living situation?

Previous Marriages
Have either of you been widowed or divorced? If so, have you frankly discussed these previous marriages? Are both of you confident that your previous marriages have been resolved so that they will not hinder your present marriage? (See Chapter 10.)

Jobs and Career
Have you both agreed spiritual growth and serving God should take priority over career advancement? Are both of you willing to live more simply if need be in order to maintain this priority? Chapter 11 offers more guidance in the area of materialism.

If one of you is seriously committed to a vocational Christian ministry, are you both in genuine agreement with the pursuit of this goal?

Finances
Are both of you aware of all debts being brought into your marriage? Have you agreed on who will be responsible for paying bills, balancing checkbooks and other financial matters? You should also seek agreement on major expenditures.

Sexuality
Have all previous sexual relationships or related problems been honestly discussed? Have you both done reading on this subject?[5] It is often wise for each of you to talk with a mature married person of the same sex shortly before you marry.

Family Planning
You should agree before marriage on whether or not you want children. Be aware, however, that your views on this may change. If there are strongly divergent opinions, you can anticipate problems. For instance, when a spouse is adamant about having no children, it cannot be assumed that he or she will change his or her mind later on. Discuss how long you will wait before beginning to try to have children. If there are children from previous marriages, have you agreed on how they are to be raised?

Health
Do either of you have any serious illnesses or probable illnesses? If so, is the other person fully aware of it and the implications it may have for married life? Are there serious disagreements with each other's health habits (smoking, drinking, eating, exercise, etc.)? If so, how will you resolve these disagreements?

Personal Habits
Do either of you have any hobbies or habits that are time-intensive, potentially dangerous, or extremely repugnant to the other person? Have you discussed the possible adjustments that may need to be made in this area once you enter married life?

Resolving Differences
If you discover serious differences in any of these areas, you should work out a resolution. If you are unable to do so, especially in areas that could be critically important for marriage stability, you should seek counsel from more mature Christians, or consider waiting until you are able to reconcile your differences.
Many Christian couples discover these areas of disagreement only after they are married. When this is the case, open and honest discussion is very important. Both spouses should demonstrate a sincere willingness to see the other person's point of view and to modify their expectations in these areas. If serious disagreement remains, seek help from a pastor, a mature Christian friend or a Christian marriage counselor.

In conclusion, take a sober estimation of your spiritual, emotional and functional maturity before entering into marriage. The more maturity you attain beforehand in these areas, the more effective you will be in building a lasting and stable marriage.

Footnotes

1. A Christian wife should never follow morally wrong directives from her husband. The principle of contingent, or conditional, obedience is well understood when it comes to secular authorities as in Daniel 2:1-18, and Acts 4:19-20 and 5:29. Strangely, however, some commentators argue that wives should obey their husbands in an uncontingent and unqualified way! The text often used to justify this position is 1 Peter 3:5-6, which refers—with approval—to Sarah's obedience to Abraham when he lied to Pharaoh by saying Sarah was his sister. Based on this passage, some argue that even when Sarah complied with this situation, and nearly had to commit adultery as a result, she was doing the right thing. However, the passage does not condone this incident but only commends her attitude. In fact, God will hold individuals responsible for the wrong they do, even if they were ordered to do it, as the incident in Acts 4:19-20 demonstrates. Notice also that the circumstance to which 1 Peter 3 refers involves a sin of omission, not one of commission. The statement in verse 1 that wives should obey husbands, even if they are disobedient to the faith, means that the husband himself is disobedient, not that his directives are morally wrong. Return to the text

2. The New American Standard Bible has chosen to indicate not only a new sentence in verse 22, but a new paragraph. This is in spite of the fact that verse 22 is a dependent clause sharing the participle "submitting" of verse 21. The New American Standard Bible, Referenced Version (Lockman Foundation, 1963), p. 300. See correctly the paragraph division in New International Version of the New Testament (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Bible Publishers, 1973). However, in our opinion, they still fail to bring home sufficiently the force of the shared action. (Later NIV editions have reverted to the traditional, wrong paragraph divisions.) Return to the text

3. Feminist scholars have demonstrated that exploitation of women is a dominant theme in church history. However, to respond by holding that submission to anyone is a betrayal of one's own personhood is throwing out the baby with the bath water. Just because some have abused the concept of male leadership in the home doesn't mean there is no such thing as a sacrificial servant leader. Return to the text

4. See, for example, Richard N. Longenecker, New Testament Social Ethics for Today (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans Publishing Co., 1984), pp. 70-93. Return to the text

5. See Ed Wheat, Intended for Pleasure (Old Tappan, N.J.: Fleming H. Revell Co., 1981).Return to the text

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